Chapter 16   

Reality Of The Street   

          I woke up holding onto Ty in my best sleeping position.  Feeling the warmth of his velvet skin made me press my face against the middle of his strong back.  My arm easily fit around his waist.  The head of his manhood pressed into my hand.   My offering rested in the crack of the pair of muscles that formed his ass.  It was a mixture of soft skin and solid flesh.  While I moved my hips to take the maximum pleasure from my dream state, I moaned realizing how marvelous Ty's body was.  I wanted to hang indefinitely suspended in the pleasure of not being completely awake but still enjoying the ability to feel all the sensations his body offered me.     

          It took me more minutes to realize we weren't alone in the bed.  There was an arm around my chest and a warmth up behind me.  There was someone in the same position I was in, and his best part rested in my crack of warmth.  The heat from the skin of his chest against my back made my warmth complete.   I reached to feel if my hand could identify the body.  The skin was not smooth.  More coarse.  Not with the heat I took from Ty, but a pleasant balance to Ty's heat.  The chest was narrow, undefined. I slid my hand down to a tiny patch of pubic hair and to a column of thick flesh planted and pressing against me.  I stroked it once to get a feel for the size, but I already knew who it was.   It was thick and long, a good bit longer than mine but not quite as long as Ty's.  It was Gene.   There wasn't anyone I knew but Gene who had that kind of size.  I had wanted to touch him since I first saw him naked.  I stroked him one long full stroke to feel his strength.  He moaned and pressed himself into my hand.         He seemed to offer no threat.  Holding, being held was good for me.  I left the bodies around me alone. 

          The room was still dark, and I sensed other people were there around us.  I couldn't take much interest.  The warmth so enveloped me that I went back to feeling only the objects in my hands and the feel of their bodies on my face and stomach and thighs and back and buttocks.  The wonder of warmth carried me off in comfort and pleasure.  I pressed myself into Ty's crack and fell off the edge of reality dreaming of only the warmth and love I craved.        

          I don't know how long I slept after that.  I was on my back when rays of light crossed my face.  They angered me like a fly bugging me.  I tried to fight them off with my hand, but the damage was done.  Sleep deserted me too quickly to be wrestled back again.  I found myself looking at Tony, Tim and two other bodies in the other bed.  Tony had assumed my favorite position, holding Tim, wrapping himself around him from behind.  His hand rested on Tim's stomach, and, much to my surprise, Tim held his hand.  Bryce and Harvey were also in the bed facing the other direction, with Harvey wrapped around Bryce.  I looked to my left and saw Gene.  His leg crossed over my leg and his hand was on the inside of my thigh.  His face was pointed in the other direction.  Don lay where Ty had been and his hand was on my best part.  As usual I was charged up for battle.  He was pressed into my thigh and he slobbered on my stomach just below my belly button.  

          I pushed myself up on my arms and glared into the light from the window in the bathroom.  Someone had left the door open.  I fought off my fog.  Who the fuck were all these people?  

          I saw Sharon on the floor.  Next to her was a guy I didn't know.  I saw a green uniform coat on the chair by the television.  I could see the muscles in his shoulders and back and that short, telltale hair.  His legs were covered in a light blond fur.  His arms had longer, darker hairs on them.  One was just under Sharon's breast.  She was stretched out in a forty five degree angle, and when I sat up I could see his stiffness resting between her legs two inches below her love connection.  His was fat and no longer than mine.   When I got up to piss I took a closer look, and his pubic hair was light blond.  I was surprised to see his face was that of a boy.  His arms were bulging and sunburned, but the rest of him was a pale white, save his face.  His pants were still on and bunched at his ankles with his boxers buried in the crumpled tangle just above his feet.  The light blond hairs below his belly button curled into his bush.  His other hand held his own hairless balls. I could tell he was having a dynamite dream.  There was liquid on her leg where his manhood rested, and he was pumping out more while his dream had control.           

          I watched his puddle grow.  I reached my hand down to touch the liquid   It was irresistible to me.  I couldn't keep myself from being drawn to it.  I felt it with the very tips of my fingers, rubbing them together.  It was hot and sticky.  My fingers brushed the head and felt it's fullness and the pulsing that continued pumping out the clear pe-cum fluid  up under the head.  I collected the sticky substance and rubbed it on my own manhood.  It responded with a lurch and a jump that ignited a fire in my groin.  What I wanted to do with him I didn't do.  I settled for lubricating myself with a little more.  The head pulsed when my hand felt it during my collection.  I wanted to taste him, to feel him expanding in my mouth.           

          Standing there, gathering honey, I shook from fear or lust.  My fingers felt the man's cock-head.  I let the liquid pump into my palm as the combination of feelings burnt my insides and had me near a discharge I'd be helpless to stop.  I couldn't breathe.  My heart pounded.  I wanted to die. I wanted him.         

          His hand grabbed my wrist on my third collection.  I had even more of the head in my possession, fascinated by the feeling of the fresh warm juice pulsing out of him.  I found myself face to face with his baby blue eyes.  His face was tight and his eyes squinted.  His grip was powerful.  I waited for the fist.  Why was I so fucking stupid to touch some strange guy's cock?          

          "What time is it," he growled, down inside his throat with a raspy edge.        

          "I don't know," I said, unable to let go of his manhood fast enough.     

          "Where am I?" he said, softer and with more clarity. "Econo Motel south of the Castro."     

          "Oh Yeah!   Carry on.  Don't stop.  It's okay.  She's a waste.   Not nearly as good as fucking my little brother."      He pressed my hand back on the head and into the puddle that had so attracted me.  He held my wrist until I once more held his meat.   My own liquid was discharging on his arm as a different kind of thrilling heat ran up through my thighs, into my body, and flushed out through my face.  I squeezed involuntarily.   I felt him stiffen, and he seemed to purposely rub his arm against my own leaking erection.  He leaned on one elbow and watched my hand stroke him long and slow.  His eyes still squinted but they stared as though he was watching two other people.  He moved his face to the inside of my thigh and leaned so his hair was now in the line of fire of my discharge.        

          "Faster?" I asked, unsure and wanting more than anything to please this soldier.  

          "No.  That's okay.  I like that.  Slow.  Easy.  You have it right."  

          He stared.  His face rubbed against my soft inner leg.  I felt his lips brush my skin in what felt like a kiss.  While thinking more about his nearness to my erection, I felt him spew hot liquid out over my fingers.  It was thick fluid that ran like a lava flow pumping steadily out of his open slit.  The hot breaths kissed my leg, thrilling me.  His stomach and chest worked in tight quick motion.  My own liquid was becoming thicker and more persistent as it dripped into his prickly hair.  He made no protest.  With a shuddering his chest filled as he gasped for air, sucking it in in a series of overlapping gulps and blowing it out past my leg where his lips nearly touched my skin.  He fell on his back sucking more breaths in rapid succession.  I held him secure in my hand.

          "That's it.  Finally!  I needed that.  Remind me to thank you later.  I'm wasted.  Fucked up.  Damn nice of you, mate.  Thanks." 

          He seemed to fall asleep while he was talking, mumbling his words as consciousness drained out of him in a last, long sighing breath.       

          I collected the result of my handiwork carefully and sat on the toilet, using it for my own lusty purposes.  I'd forgotten I hadn't had sex since Earl, and I'd watched enough to set me on fire more than once.  It felt good when I felt the warm liquid on my chest and shoulder.  I held myself and still felt the guy's juices on me.  I don't know why it so excited me.  I loved the sensations my skin got from it.  I mixed his in mine and compared the jelly-like thickness of his with my runny version of the same thing.  I spread it on my stomach and in my bush and watched it fill my belly button.   

          The shower was long and hot.  The steam rolled up around me.  I hunched to protect my stomach from the water, and still played in our love liquids.   I finally covered my body in soap from head to toe, and as soon as I touched myself it wanted to stiffen for me so I could wash it completely.  I massaged soap into it and admired the width and my raven black hair that shone.  As I was soaping my head the second, third or forth time, the curtain ripped back, startling me into trying to hide my guilt behind too small hands.  It was the fucking soldier looking right at what I wanted to hide.       

          "I wondered where you went. Can I shower too?"     

          I could see his problem was back.  In a second, he was standing next to me under the water.  He was maybe four inches taller than I and not nearly as big as I thought. "Could you soap me up, friend?"       

          I immediately started working on his erection hoping it would be as quick a second time around.  I knew I'd started it and hoped he didn't want me to do anything else.  I was scared of what he wanted from me.  As I touched him I wanted to see how much I could swallow.  I wanted to taste him.  I stared at the contours, the veins, the subtle brown marks on an otherwise white piece of meat.    

          "That's really nice, but I meant my body.  I'm just able to stand up right now.  I want to wash that bitch off me.  Don said she was fine, but he's better than she is.  You're better than he is."         

          "You been with Donnie?"       

          "He's my brother.  I came down here to see him.  He thought I'd like Sharon.  I tried.  I prefer him, and now you."    "I don't do that."

           "No biggy.  I understand curiosity.  I was curious about everyone when I was your age. My big brother taught me all I needed to know.  I was the second oldest.  I taught Phillip and Don.  They're the youngest."  

          "You do it with your brothers?" I asked again.

          "We like sex.  Who else were we going to do it with at thirteen and fourteen.  My old man used to have a different woman every night.  Sometimes two.  Sometimes men.  It runs in the family.  We got an extra sex gene or something.  Each one of us is worse about sex than the last.  Phillip is a little crazier than I am, and Donnie's crazy, period.  Sex is all he thinks about.  We used to all go at it, and when the three of us were worn out Donnie would still be trying to get us going again." 

          He bent to my soaping, encouraging my hands. 

          "We've got that gene, you know."  

          I felt the muscles in his chest and even felt myself getting turned on by touching him.  He wasn't thick or big in his arms and chest, but tight, bulging muscle ran through him.  I moved around him and worked on his back and shoulders.  He leaned against the wall with his hands and let me work down his legs and up his back until I leaned up against his crack with my stiffness.  I really wasn't thinking much about doing any thing, but it felt good in the soap and the crack and his heat.  I watched it sliding in the soap.  

          "I'd let you.  I like that, but AIDS and shit. I don't do that anymore. You can go ahead on the crack but don't try to do that.  I mean I don't know you and I don't want that shit.  I know that's where you get it.  Too damn bad, that's the most fun.  I only like getting it there a little more than giving.  I wish I knew you better, and you were . . . ."        

          "It's cool.  I shouldn't anyway.  I mean, like you say, we don't really know each other."       

          "Yeah, and you've already got me off once and pretty damn close to twice when you grabbed my pecker right off with that soap.  I haven't done a thing in three months.  First leave after basic and all.  I thought I'd do it last night with the bimbo, but I couldn't get turned on enough.  Kept losing it. Just didn’t have a woody for her.  So boring I fell asleep for a couple of hours until I felt that hand of yours wanting it.  That was what I needed.  Some nice, good-looking guy's hand on my pecker.  Wanting it.  I don't think I'll ever chase women.  I guess we ruint each other, my brothers and me.  I still like them best.  You're okay though."     

          "You all still doing it together?"     

          "All but John.  He's married.  Got two kids.  I was doing it with Phillip and Don till I went in.  We done it the last night all night.  Mostly Don and I.  Phillip wears out quicker than Don.  He might get married.  Me and Donnie, I kinda doubt it.  I think we're ruint for sure.  Girls don't have what guys have.  Too bad, too."       

          I worked the soap into his chest and felt myself against his rear.  I wasn't going to do anything else.  I really didn't like this side of sex.  Even what I'd done with Earl wasn't any more than jacking off with help.  It didn't mean anything, and yet when I saw this guy down there dripping, I couldn't resist going for it.  Touching him.  Feeling what he was like.  I hated that!  Why was I so damned turned on by some strange guy's dick?  I didn't like what that made me feel about myself.    

          But I knew the truth about it no matter how I wanted to feel.  I felt drawn to it each time I came face to face with a new adventure in someone else's manhood.  I had to touch it.  See what it was like.  Let it take me to the intensity I needed in my own lust.  Like my soldier, I was ruint for sure. I wanted him.  I wanted him bad.  I loved his body against me.  He made me alive.  He gave me life.  He took me out of my own mind and flushed out my thoughts.  It was only his body and mine pressed together in some incredible magic waltz that made me too dizzy to think or to care.      

          "Just a couple of minutes and I'll be happy.  I won't do nothing you don't like."  

          I listened to his words and felt him tighten when I did what he wanted.  He pressed back against the object he didn't want inside.  He churned his hips against me and I held onto his chest as I took him there. The muscles fought my arm and it made me hold him tighter to feel the strength he had for me.  He huffed and puffed when he got over the top with my hand pumping him up.  My feet came off the surface of the tub as he leaned forward and I ground into him as the crack opened.  I milked him for as long as he twisted and churned for my hand.  The music faded and stopped. Our dance ended.  

          He sat down on the edge of the tub and placed his head between his legs. He had shrunk up to just an inch and a very small head in a blond bush.  He seemed to gasp for breath and looked up at my face being pelted with the rivulets of water that splashed on him.  I knew what he had to do.  It was written all over him.  The connection wasn't broken yet.  The last dance was for me.      I wouldn't let him though. I wasn't going to let him do what he wanted.  There was no way.  My brain told me that I didn't want this, but his lips were too powerful a force.  I gasped as he slid them over my head.   The tongue floated around me.  More slid down over his tongue. 

          I grasped his head with that prickly hair and rode him until my body ached.  His fingers rubbed my rear roughly, and he showed me what all his practice with his brothers had been for.  He and his brothers had worked on each other, and what he had learned was obvious.  My hips worked with his mouth and I would not let go of his head, could not let go.  The steam no longer came from the water and his fingers drove me crazy as he used the soap to send them into me.  One then two, and as he was working on three, I felt my body tighten against them and buried myself in his throat.          

          I loved the feel of his soldier throat around me.  It was all I could do to force myself back to the wall at the moment of truth.  His face did not move as I covered it with appreciation for his talent.  He ran it across his lips and down on his neck.  I held the soap dish and tried not to fall down into the bottom of the tub.  My hips churned and fought with my hand as I finally managed to subside while still standing.  He pulled me toward him and buried his face in my bush.  He held my rear end in both of his hands and held me there against his face.  He kissed my dying lust farewell.    He soaped me up and let me rinse off.  I was drying myself off while he still showered on.  I walked through the door and looked at the bodies.  Don raised his head and glared at me.         

          "I figured he was with you.  That whore always gets the new ones first. You won't even look at me."         

          I ignored him.  I'd learned to just not pay attention to the insults everyone seemed so free with.  I heard Don leap from the bed and disappear into the bathroom.  The shower ran on and on, and everyone slept except the brothers and me, and I tingled and felt alive and looked at Tony's hand that now held Tim's manhood.  Their positions hadn't changed.          

          I dressed and closed the door quietly behind me.  The sun still flooded the balcony.  It was just before noon when it disappeared over the top of the motel.  I stood at the stairs, wondering where Ty had gone as I studied the underside of The Castro.  I crossed quick past Barney's perch.  I could see him stand as quick as I passed the window.  I ran out into the street dodging cars to get away.  I knew he'd be on the top step, watching me.  I didn't want to see him watching me.  I got nauseated when I thought about him watching me.           "Hey! Billie Joe! Wait," I heard from a voice that I didn't know.

          The soldier ran down the stairs and into the street to catch up with me.  "I'm Jake.  I thought you should know my name," he confessed while buttoning up his jacket with his shirt still out of his green pants.     

          "I see you know mine," I said.

          "Donnie told me.  What do you think we were doing in there?"    

          "I know what you were doing.  What I don't know is why you wanted to with me?"          

          "No?  Don't pull that shit!  You started that.  Remember?"

          "Yeah!  I just don't like being like that.  I mean you're really neat, and I'm sure I'd like you if I knew you, but I don't, and there I am playing with you.  It confuses me why I am like that.  I must be a real pervert to want someone I don't know."         

          "Me too!  I wanted you, too.  When I come in last night, Sharon went into the bathroom and turned the light on to do her business.  Even lying there with that . . . you know.  I wanted you then.  I wanted to dump Sharon.  She's such a whore."  

          "You're not?"      

          "Yeah!  But at least I'm a good whore.  I don't pretend to be anything else."

          "Did you do it with Donnie?"

          "He's my brother.  I can't say no to him.  He knows what he likes, and worse, he knows what I like.  I told you about that gene.  You got it too. Listen to you talk.  You can't help yourself.  Neither can I.   We're meant to be together.  I like you.  You're pretty fucking neat, you know."       

          "I guess we're more alike than I want to know."        "Damn right we are!  You know it!  That's why I wanted to catch you.  We'll get some protection and you can have what you want.  I haven't been done good since John got married.  I really wanted to today.  With you.  I knew you would be good.  You like it too much to be anything else."   "I'm looking for Ty.  I don't think I want to do anything else.  I don't like the way it makes me feel."

          "Could have fooled me.  The way you made a mess all over my face, I thought you had a pretty good time.  Never seen anyone shoot that much."   

          "That's a problem.  At home I never got it all cleaned up.  I've always been like that.  I don't know why I shoot so much.  I don't know what's wrong with me."      

          "Don't worry about it.  There's nothing wrong.  You're a stud.  I want you to do it to me tonight.  This afternoon.  Right now if you want.   I'll take you to breakfast and we'll get some protection.  We can spend some time together.  Be friends."

          "I don't want that, Jake.  I don't want everything to come down to sex. That's what you are saying, that I'll be your friend if we're doing it all the time.   Then what happens when we have enough of each other?"    

          "That's what I came here for, Billie Joe.  Someone like me going without for three months.  I got to make up for lost time.  I'm telling you I want to make it up with you.  I can be with any of those guys, I want to be with you.  I picked you.  I won't have enough of you.  We can just be friends if you want.  Terrible waste, but I like you that much.  I'll probably get myself into trouble if you don't go with me, but that's okay.  I want you to be my friend because I like you.  Because you're just like me.  Wanting it all the time.  I can see it in your eyes.  I feel it coming off you.  You're a fucking sex pot, Billie Joe.  You can deny it, but it takes one to know one."    

          "Cool it. I don't want to talk about that."  

          "Let me take you to breakfast."     

          "O.K.  I can do that."    

          "What do you see in, Ty?  He's a . . . well you are going to get a bad rep. People notice that shit.  Some people get pretty offended by shit like that where I'm from."      

          "He's my friend.   He saved my ass.  I can get in trouble for having a friend that cares about me and that I care about?  Remind me not to go where you are from."         

          "You know what I mean.  He isn't white.  You are.  What are you doing with him?"          

          "Forget it, Jake.  You wouldn't understand."     

          "I'd try, but it doesn't make much sense to me.  You being with him.  I saw what he's got.  I know I ain't got nothing to compare with that fucking thing, but I know what to do with what I have.  Is that it.  You like the big ones like Ty and Gene?"

          "I don't even know Gene.  I told you Ty saved my ass.  We're friends. That's all I need to know.  What he's got is what he's got.  I didn't ask him about the size of his dick at the time he was pulling my ass out of the fire."      

          Jake looked at me hard for a moment, and his eyes were serious.  "Let's go eat."  

          We went to the diner. I knew Jake from people back home.  They looked at someone and knew all they wanted to know.  Appearances were everything.  If you fit the mold of what they thought was their crowd, you were in.  No questions asked.  Didn't matter what was inside you.  If you appeared different or acted different, you were suspect and excluded from the inner circle.  You couldn't get your foot in the door if you weren't one of the "in" crowd.     We ate and Jake paid.  Remembering Raymond, I didn't object.  He walked with me as I searched all the way up to Golden Gate Park for Ty.  I felt kinda naked out there without him.          

          I took Jake up and down alleys and to the crumbling hotel where it all began.  It was closed for sure.  There was no longer a way in.  The boards had all been reinforced.  That explained why everyone was in our room.  Jake said it would be open in a week.  The kids always worked at the barriers until they were back in.  He took me down to the Mission area. He told me that when it got hot in the Castro the kids took up residence in different shells of buildings and tried to get a place with someone for as long as they could.         

          After awhile he seemed to want nothing more than to be helpful to me in my search.  He took me places I knew nothing about.  As the day wore on he made one stop for himself.  He went into a drug store and came out with a bag. He held onto it for quite awhile before opening it to show me a box of 12 lubed and ribbed Trojans.  I shook my head and protested and wondered what it would be like.  My groin twitched at the thought.  I remembered my quest. He smiled and followed when he wasn't smiling and leading.  He was Carl's age.  Just a little over seventeen and his parents' consent.  It didn't make any difference where I went, he followed. I was glad.  Without Ty I was alone.  Jake was company.  The uniform cleared the way for us.  Without Ty, Jake would be my protection, no matter what he carried in his sack.   I could no longer be alone.  I would die if I was left alone.  I knew that.  I needed Jake.  I knew that.     

          We were back in the Castro late in the day.  He went by the room as I leaned by the diner, waiting.  He returned to report it was empty, clean, and made up.  No Ty.

          "If we don't find him this evening, you going back with me to the room? "     

          "I guess.  I think we'll find him."     

          "I don't.  He's on a trick.  Someone picked him up for a few days.  He'll be back later in the week.  You shouldn't worry about him.  Don says they all go on two and three day tricks. Sometimes they last for a few weeks or more.  Guy just scored a good one that's all."

          "You seem to know a lot about it."

          "I been down here before."   

          "You sell yourself?"

          "No!  Well, I got paid a few times, but I didn't go for the money.  Some guys have to pay or it doesn't work.  It's about sex for me.  I mean I go with someone to do it. Money is nice if you are broke.  Sex is nice whether or not you are broke.  Don't you think?"         

          Several guys stopped and talked to Jake as we stood out next to the diner windows.  Mostly it was older guys, twenties and thirties.  Some commented on the uniform and said they wondered where he had been.  About seven o'clock a couple stopped.  One was tall and thin and the other was shorter and a little chubby.  They seemed real happy to see Jake.          

          "Wondered where in hell you went.  We worried you got busted."         

          "No.  Just joined the army.  Same thing though."        "Why didn't you come by.  You know you are always welcome.  Don't be hanging on the streets again Jake.  You've escaped pretty easy so far. Don't tempt it."      

          "I don't."     He held out the bag.  The tall guy looked in.     "The right start, but cutting down on the number of partners is even more effective than condoms.  Are these for this cute fellow?"    

          "Yeah!  I hope.  He seems resistant to my devilish charm.  I've done everything but offered to pay him to take care of my needs.  He ain't buying none of it.  He knows I need him badly.  Puts me at a distinct disadvantage."         "Sounds like he's a lot smarter than you, Jake.  I'm Bart, and this is Hank."  They shook my hand.  Firm.  Manly.  "Don't let him talk you into anything you don't want to do.  He'll charm your undies right off you.  Jake is a doll when he wants something from you.  Just don't give him anything you want to keep."          

          I shook their hands and was glad for the human touch, and we exchanged smiles.  I told them my name and they said I seemed pretty young to be out here.  I told them I was visiting and not a product of the Castro. They smiled their approval and warned that one often gets caught up in the street before he can realize it.

          "Look you two, here's a card for each of you.  Billie Joe, you don't know us, but we work with the street kids.  Jake does know us, and he's tried to work his way into our hearts for a couple of years.  He knows if you get up against it and you need a place, well, you have the number.  Night or day. No strings.  You call, and if we got some room, you got a bed.  You want help?  We'll give it to you.  You want out?  We'll get you out.  No questions asked.  No preaching.  We don't care what your reasons are.  You need help, we are help.  That's it. No strings.  Never strings.  You kids need us, we're on the way.  Don't forget."      

          "Thanks," I said, looking at the names and numbers on the card.          

          "You know them?" I said, as I followed them down the street with my eyes.

          "Yeah!  They try to save everyone from the devil."     "Christian?"         

          "No.  I don't know.  I mean the devil on the streets.  They know some kids got . . . .  Well, they let some kids hang around their place a few years ago.  I don't know the entire story, but they were the usual street collection.  They disappeared.  Bart and Hank never stopped looking for them, asking about them.  A few kids were found up in Golden Gate after their boys disappeared. They started taking the kids in.  Trying to get them off the streets, home, into a program."  

          "What do you mean, found."  

          "Dead.   Strangled.  Two or three one year.  The year after their boys took off."     

          The idea of murder shook me.  "They sound like nice guys."        

          "Yeah!  They're okay, but no fun.  I came on to both of them all the time, they just put me to bed and told me to get over it.  Most guys love to go with me, but neither one of them ever done nothing more than kiss me on the cheek, or hug me like my mother did before she died.  Funny guys."  "Sounds like they want to help?"

          "Yeah!  They still look for those two boys they kept for awhile.  Never did hear anything for sure.  I used to think it was the sex they missed, but since they never touched me, and I'm almost irresistible, well, I figure they were just trying to help them.  No fun for me, though.  I wanted them to want me.  When I realized they weren't going to want me, I split."         

          I looked again to see if I could see Bart or Hank, but their heads were lost in a sea of heads bobbing up and down on the sidewalk.  I looked at the card and placed it in the front of my underwear for safe keeping.  Other guys stopped to talk to Jake.  Mostly older.  A few kids.  Donnie. Gene.  We walked back up toward Golden Gate.  I was scared for Ty.  I needed to see him.  I grew angry with him.  How could he just go off on me and not even say anything.  That was bogus.  I worked myself into enough anger I didn't want to look any more.  I didn't think it was because I was mad.  I think I was afraid of what I might learn if I kept looking.  I just had a feeling come over me.  Let it go.  Ty belongs to the streets, and there was nothing I could do about it.  He had no obligation to me save the fact that I was dependent on him for survival.

          I let Jake lead me back to the room.  It was late, but the room was empty. He turned off all the lights and took off his uniform.  I could see him because the bathroom door was open and the light always shone into the clouded window just enough to illuminate the bodies in the room.  He stared at me while he undressed.  I watched him pull off his underwear before sitting on the bed.      

          "You going to undress?"        

          "Yes."         

          "Want me to help you?"         

          "No!  I'm tired."   

          "That mean I wasted my money on these rubbers?"   "Yes!"         

          "Want me to sleep in the other bed?"      

          "No!  I mean I don't like sleeping alone.  You can sleep with me."         

          "Let me get this straight.  I can sleep with you but you won't poke me?"       

          "I don't want to do that."      

          "You wanted to this morning awful bad.  That's why I bought the condoms."

          "I didn't want to.  I mean I did want to, but I didn't.  You know what I mean."

          "Sure I do.  Right.  You're as crazy as the rest of us.  Sleep.  No touch. Right.  I got it."          

          "I'm scared of being alone."  

          "Do you want me to hold you."       

          "Yes."         

          "I don't understand you.  You want me to hold you but we can't have sex?"  

          "You don't have to sleep with me.  I'll be okay."

          "No!  I didn't say I wouldn't sleep with you.  I said it doesn't make sense.  When I touch someone I want to have sex.  You want me to touch you and not have sex.  Why touch?"      

          "I need someone to hold me.  I don't need to be having sex all the time with them."          

          "All the time.  You jacked me off a couple of times.  That isn't having sex?  I blew you.  That's having sex.  I'll just blow you again.  You don't have to do anything.  You've already let me do that.  You don't need to touch me.  I'll take care of it."      

          "I want you to hold me for awhile.  That's all.  If you can't handle it, I understand."          

          "Shut up and take your clothes off before you confuse me more.  Hold you. No sex.  I got it.  I don't fucking understand it, but I got it."     

          "I need to have some control over what I'm doing.  I don't want to be doing it every time my dick gets hard.  I don't want to be like that."        

          "Sounds like the right way to be to me.  You get a hardon because you want to fuck.  Good way to know when you want to fuck.  Why get one if you aren't going to use it.  Fucked up.  I don't know about you.  I just don't see the point.  Hold.  No sex.   Right.  Got it.  Feel like I'm back in the fucking army."       

          I slid under the sheet as Jake stood and looked down at me.  His legs pressed against the bed, but he just stood there.     "I like you, Billie Joe.  I wouldn't do it if I didn't like you.  I'd just go out and get picked up off the block.  I mean if I didn't want to be here with you I could go off with anyone I wanted, all dressed up in my soldier suit.  Don't forget that.  I could have gone off with someone.  Like Ty did. I didn't because I like you.  I don't want to be with no one else."

          "I know, Jake.  Hold me 'cause you like me."    

          Jake slid in beside me.  He took a few minutes before he pressed his body up against mine and wrapped his arms around me.  I felt like I needed to cry.  Even in his arms I was scared.  Scared for Ty, and scared for myself. He kissed the back of my neck and pressed himself against me.  I felt him trying to keep his stiffness off my ass, but he slowly came to rest with a soft moan.  I held his hands and took the heat from his body to make me complete.  I tried not to cry, but I did.  I was quiet and didn't let him know about the terror that once again rose up and threatened to overwhelm me.  The terror over Ty's departure.  I didn't have anyone to protect me but the incestuous brother of a sex crazed kid.          

          It took five minutes for him to discover me in my lie.  When he touched me, I knew it was already too late.  When I rolled onto my back he kissed me. His lips were thin and his tongue perfect for my mouth.  He made sure I couldn't resist before sitting on top of me.  The condom was already exposed on the night stand and on me in another few seconds.  Even after he put it on he put me in his mouth while rolling it all the way down.    

          "You're thick.  Ass buster.  Thicker than John.  Nice."           It was nice.  It immediately took away all the fear and terror.  My hands rested on his thighs and I rubbed up until I felt him swelling in my fingers.  I remembered how slow it was he liked it, and I used that knowledge to excite him .  Feeling when he was starting to peak, I stopped and refused to take him further.  He protested and cried that I didn't care about him, and he let me invade his warmth and penetrate deep inside of him.  I waited until he started to lose his stiffness, and then started that slow motion, watching his body stiffen again.  The light from the bathroom showed me his nipples and the curly hairs that ran down from his belly button.  I stroked him and held his round balls, and once more slowed to a stop when all his muscles seemed ready to explode.  More crying and complaining and telling me I didn't care, but he never stopped pleasing me.  He never stopped the invasion even for a second.          

          After reaching half a dozen teasing peaks and dropping him back to reality, I continued the strokes after all his muscles tensed and he seemed like a coiled spring.  I slowed them, but continued as he growled and sobbed and moaned, writhing against my hand.  His body leaned forward and he emptied his load on my chest and stomach, not spurting, just flowing, again and again.  He didn't move except for the shudders and shakes from the act itself.  His hole dug into my manhood.  His body trembled until the last drops oozed out of him.  I loved the feel of all the gristle in my hand.  I felt his stomach and chest.  I rubbed his arms.  My own lust was rising while he still tried to regain some control of his body.  Mine was already shaking.   

          I forced him up and off me, I pulled the condom free.  I stroked myself, feeling the liquid rising up into my shaft.  I hit my chin and then between my nipples.  I shot more up on my stomach and then pumped myself as I let out the rest, more than he had released, and thinner.

          "Damn. You make a fucking mess, Billie Joe."   

          "'Cause I'm a stud.  Remember?"   

          "I don't need to remember. You were just up inside me.  You remember?  I know what you are."    

          Jake's legs remained pressing against my thighs as he rested back watching me recover.  I held out my hands for him to lie on top of me.   

          "What do you want.  We need to clean up."      

          "I want your body against me and all this love juice.  I want it all over us.  That's what I want."

          Jake seemed confused, but he lowered his body until he was aligned precisely on top of me.  We rubbed our bodies together, and used our sweat and the cum to lubricate the movement. I loved the feel of it as much as anything else.  I loved it that we were holding each other after we finished.           Jake slid himself up and down on my stomach, slow but pressing hard, and then harder, and then he added more liquid to the mess after a series of very long sliding strokes.  We laughed and giggled and he confessed he'd never done anything like it before, but it took one to know one, and it took one to teach one sometimes.  I was tickled that I'd taught him something he hadn't known.    

          I looked up when the door opened.  I wanted it to be Ty and felt guilty for being in the arms of Jake.  I couldn't help it.  I couldn't be alone.  He left me.  I had to get by the best I could.        

          It was Harvey and Bryce.  They ended up in the other bed.  I could see Bryce on top of Harvey.  They hardly made a sound, but I could smell the sex.   I didn't know if it was ours or theirs.  We used a towel we'd put on the night stand to wipe ourselves off so we wouldn't soil the bed any more.  The kisses were long and easy, and they sent me to a deep, dark place where I felt secure and loved.         

          I woke when Tim and Tony came in.  They stole a pillow and the blanket from the other bed and settled at the foot of our bed.  Gene and Don came in next.  Don climbed into our bed and wrapped himself around Jake.  Gene pushed his back against me as he tried to make enough room to fit us in four across.  Luckily we were all half-pints.  Jake was the bulkiest and must have weighed in at 125 or 130.  Gene pressed his crack up against me until I rested in his warmth.  I let him put my hand on what seemed to be his always-erect manhood.  The thickness excited me as he held my arm with both of his hands while wiggling his ass against me, trying to create some interest.        

          I let myself feel the comfort of the twin bodies warming my cold fear and easing the always-present terror from my brain.  It distracted me until I could no longer remember why I was so afraid all the time.  Why, since Ty left me, had I felt lost in a world that drew me into it with sex and excitement while at the same time repulsing me?  I wondered if it was already too late for me.  I wanted to have passionate sex with Jake and Gene and Tim and Tony.  I wanted to do everything with them, and yet I could do nothing.  I wanted them, but I couldn't tell them I wanted them, and I feared them, knowing what it was I felt inside.  Jake now knew what was inside me.  They all knew what I was, and yet I still needed to hide from them.  I didn't understand what was wrong with me.  I wanted them all, but didn't want them to know, and yet I was sure they did know.  I was mad.  

          The longer Gene moved the more excited I became.  I could hear Don and Jake working beside me.  I let my hand stroke Gene, and he grew very still as soon as I moved my hand on him the first time.  It was what he was trying to get from me, a response.  I pressed myself up the warm crack and stroked him until my mind was in an absolute fog.  I wasn't capable of fighting off my lust, so I positioned myself to get the maximum pleasure from Gene.  As I slid past the resistance and felt him throbbing in my hand, the door vibrated with an incredible thumping that echoed the whole room awake.   The banging stopped for only a second and started again.  Almost a dozen bodies shot up from sleep or sex.  

          "Police.  Open up."        I was sitting straight up in the bed.  Harvey dove for the door to block it.  Tim and Tony stood with pillow and blanket in front of their nakedness. I heard a noise in the bathroom and Gene had broken the glass as he was pulling himself up through the window with his pants in his hand.   I leaped over Don and Jake, grabbing my pants and followed Gene.  I placed my foot in the glass before leaping up and pulling myself out onto the roof.  My foot burned and stung as I fought something that was grabbing at me.   

          "Two out on the roof," a voice yelled.      

          "I don't fit," he confessed.     

          I caught Gene as he danced on the cinders on the far side of the roof trying to put his pants on.  I noticed the lights glaring down on us from the higher buildings.  I looked at the window as I put my own pants on.  There was no one following.  Gene took me over the next roof and down a fire escape into a dark, dead-end street.  He seemed to know where he was going. I had to follow.  There was nowhere else for me to go.  I couldn't leave him.  He was all that was left.       

          I realized I'd lost everything as I walked.  It was misting rain.  I shivered.  My foot hurt.  My bag was back in the motel room.  I followed Gene as he blended into the shadows that led us deeper into the darkness.      

          The terror was back and now there was no one to protect me or my skinny lover.