I don't care

by

Jason Parker

 

 

            Itís a little known secret that if you go out into the old Catholic cemetery, right to the back where the stones are so faded you canít even read the dates, let alone the names, you can hear everything that goes on inside the arena. Plays, concerts, speeches. Somehow the acoustics of the building and the trees allow for un-bridled and un-paid listening.

 

            And itís where Iím sitting now. Perched on one of the larger tombs, listening to the concert in full swing. I never understood why people get freaked out by gravestones and churchyards. I mean, come on! Theyíre dead. They only come out of the ground and start hungering for brains in movies, right? Right. So whatís the deal? Not that Iím complaining mind you. It means no one else ever comes out here. Especially not at night.

 

            So Iím out here, bundled in a sweatshirt, arms wrapped around my legs, looking up at the stars and listening.

 

If you're fond of sand dunes and salty air

 

            Why did you go? Why did you leave me? 'Cause my eyes are open, and everything still moves in slow-motion, nothing makes sense. Breathless and blue, you left me shocked and stunned, and behind your eyes the sea love had dwindled dry. I close my eyes and listen to the music and oceans of light envelop me.

 

Quaint little villages, here and there

 

            As you said those words, I looked into your eyes. I know what lies beneath. Iíve seen the flash of tears conspiring with the sea to sink my ship. There was no remorse, no asking for forgiveness. Your words a cheating wind, your tongue a thirsty knife. I knew it was happening. I saw it when you two first met. And you denied that he could take your love with just one good kiss.

 

            Did you really believe yourself, or were you lying even then?

 

            Why did I let it go on so long? Why did I let myself become sidelined? Was it because I knew I couldnít keep you? Probably. But I could have tried. So why didnít I? Because I didnít want to seem clingy, didnít want to seem constricting.

 

            I know one day, all my scars will disappear, like the stars at dawn, and all of this pain will fade away when morning comes. And on some distant day when I look backwards I will see, that everything has changed and all of these trials will be as milestones on the way.

 

            I knew you wouldnít stay long. No urge to settle down, you still wanted adventure. I guess heís more fun than me. More into taking risks, doing drugs, committing crimes. Whatís it they say? Canít take the fight out the kid; take the kid out the fight. I guess thatís what youíve done. Taken me from the fight. Pushed me right out of the ring. So now Iím sitting here alone, listening to the concert, imagining you and him standing near the front, slowly dancing together in the crowd. I wonít let this build up inside of me. Iíll move on. You can do it, why canít I?

 

            And even as the concert ends in the early hours, I stay, lying on this mausoleum, looking up at the stars. Ignoring the couple that braves the woods and graves to find a place to drunkenly make out. At least until I hear your name. Whispered, gruntingly, eagerly. And I turn my head to look, making out in the darkness, two shapes worming in the grass, clothes coming off, naked bodies writhing.

 

            I canít move now, lest I draw attention. So all I can do is lie here, pretend I canít hear you and your new lover going at it like rabbits. Instead Iíll look up at the heavens. Has that much time passed already? Stars fading in the coming light. But thenÖ

 

            Can you see the sky turn red? As morningís light breaks over me, I know tonight Iíll make my bed at the bottom of this sea of misery. These oceans speak, Iíve heard their dark waves call to me before. And smiling in my semi-dream state she whispers to me, the stars retreat behind their veil, the clouds are clinging to their sails. The storm is coming, can you see? Depressionís sweet and terrible caress. Iíd never touch a razor. Never have the courage. Or too much courage? Why should I give up just because you gave up on me?

 

            So look and see the sky turn red. Like blood it covers over me. And soon, the sea shall give up her dead. Iím not one for the taking. Iíll raise an empire from the bottom of this black sea. Just watch me.

 

            And I hear the waves of your sex crash below, still hearing the grunts and moans.

But now the rocks around us, these crumbling tombs, are leaping for the sky, theyíre starving for the air, for a bone to break, a dream to smash apart, but I donít care.

 

            I donít care.

 

            I wonít dwell on burnt bridges to broken hearts. No tears this time, no stifled sobs no sea behind your eyes, and no oceans of light to envelop me. Dawn breaches and only thunderclouds rise high above us. And as the storm breaks, you pick yourselves up and hastily dress, running from the rain. And Iím just lying here, smile on my lips as the rain patters down and the storm swallows me. Because I donít care.

 

            I really donít. I was never good for you, and youÖ

 

            You were never good for me.