Then and Now

Chapter Ten



Toby's Excellent Blog- Monday, August 1, 2005
Listening to- Rachmaninoff
Mood- Nervous 


            So much has happened. I donít know where to begin. I guess with Saturday night.

            Letitia, who baby-sits on Saturday nights when Mom and The Bastard are working at the restaurant, (heís no longer Fuehrer. Now, heís The Bastard), told me the truth. David was with me when I came home from his place.

            She went to school with Dad in junior high. The Bastard is her older brother. She always liked Dad and thought he was sweet, a little nerdy, (I can see why), but sweet, (I can see that, too). She never saw him again until he was working at the restaurant where he met Mom and The Bastard. This is what happened.

            Dad and Mom were waiting tables at the same restaurant in 1989 when Dad broke up with his boyfriend. Theyíd been together for four years. Dad was real depressed and Mom and a bunch of the other waiters and waitresses used to go out after work to dance at one of the gay clubs in town. One night, Mom and Dad were talking and Dad said that his biggest regret about being gay was that he couldnít be a father. Mom said, ďWhy not? Find a good lesbian who wants to have kids.Ē She was saying it jokingly, but they talked about it more and a few weeks later, Mom told him that she wanted a baby, but still wanted her freedom. So, they decided to move in together and have a baby.

            Well, I was born and Dad was like the perfect father. So much so, that Mom started getting jealous, even though they werenít technically together. Then, she and The Bastard started getting serious and Mom told Dad to move out. He was devastated, but did. Then Bastard married Mom and wanted me to be like his son. Well, I never liked him and he thought it was because of the influence of Dad. This is where it gets ugly and where I decided I hate them both.

            Bastard told Dad that he should leave and stay out of my life permanently because he was a bad influence and might turn me gay. He said that if Dad didnít, heíd have DHS investigate him to see if he was abusing me!! Dad!!

            He never touched me that way. NEVER! But, Bastard threatened him and told him that he had to get out of my life or he would send the authorities after him. Letitia says that Dad didnít want me to go through the trauma of being investigated and everything, so he left.

            Well, yesterday, after Mom and Bastard got back from church, (they still go to Faithbuilders and Brother Willie still insists the Devil has a vendetta against them),  I confronted Mom. She started crying and then begged me to forgive her. I told her I hated her for what she did. I swore to her that Dad never did anything to me. She said she knew he hadnít but was afraid he was a bad influence on me. I told her the bad influence was Bastard! She nodded, but said she couldnít leave him because he was a good father and husband. I said, ďNot to me! Donít you care about me?Ē

            She didnít say anything.

            I left and went to Davidís. I spent last night there and nobody came to check on me. I figure they donít care now.

            Anyway, David and I have figured out what to do. I sent an PM to JCTinVT asking him if he was my father, but I got a bounce-back telling me the account had been closed. David did some more searching on the Internet and we are certain now that heís my Dad. He lives outside Burlington, VT.

            I withdrew all the money I have saved from my account at the bank and David withdrew his. One of his pals from the team is driving us to the bus station tonight. Thereís a bus that leaves at 3 AM for New York. Weíll get another bus there for Burlington.

            David is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. He told his coach what he was doing and the coach threatened to kick him off the team. David said ďGo ahead. This is important.Ē His coach relented and gave him a week. So David is going with me to find my Dad.

            Iím scared, but with David with me, Iím sure everything will work out. I donít know when Iíll get to blog again, so wish us luck everyone!



Toby's Excellent Blog- Wednesday, August 3, 2005

            Man, this has been an experience. David and I are in an Internet cafť in Manhattan. Iíve never seen anything like this. Itís scary as shit and its wonderful, too.

            The bus ride was not too bad. There were a lot of really weird and scary people on the bus and in the different bus stations. Twice, guys tried to pick us up. Well, they tried to pick David up. Heís beautiful with that dark curly hair and everything. Anyway, I now HATE the smell of busses and bus stations. They all smell like tobacco, body odor, and industrial disinfectant. Itís awful! But, I donít care. Weíre almost to Burlington.

            When we got to New York this morning, it was amazing. Iíve never seen so many tall buildings, so much traffic, so many people. We got hit on twice in the bus station. They call it the Port Authority. Man, I donít care WHAT I have to do. The next time I travel, Iím flying. Period. There is no way Iím ever setting foot in the Port Authority ever again!!!!!!

            Anyway, weíre waiting for the bus to Burlington and so David thought we could walk around. We found this place, so I thought I would check in and let everyone know weíre still alive, weíre still in one piece, and our virtue is still intact! (Well, maybe not intact, but no one else besides the two of us has had a crack at it!).

            We get into Burlington tonight. I donít know how weíre going to get to Dadís after that. I hope we can just take a cab. I hope Dadís not working or something.

            Anyway, Iíll let you know what happens.


Tobyís Excellent Blog- Thursday, August 4, 2005
Listening to- Mozart/ The Magic Flute
Mood- As Happy As I can Be

            The Magic Flute was my fatherís and my favorite music to listen to when I was a kid, so I guess you can figure out what happened.

We left New York at 10 and it took forever to get out of the city. I was getting really nervous and David held my hand most of the way, giving dirty looks to the old ladies to our left who were giving US dirty looks. David said he didnít care. Heís my friend. He is. If it wasnít for David, I wouldnít have been reunited with my father.

            The bus came up Highway 7 once we got into Vermont. Itís beautiful. Itís the most beautiful place on earth. And as we drove into Burlington, I decided there wasnít a more perfect place to live anywhere. AnywayÖ

            The bus station is off the main highway into town near the lake. We turned to the west and went a couple of blocks. My hands were shaking. David told me it would be OK and that weíd get a cab and then we would be there.

            But, as we pulled into the parking lot, I saw him. It had been three years, but he hadnít changed at all. Same hair, red and nerdy. Same tall frame. Same worried look.

            My Dad had come to meet us.

            Our eyes met through the window. As the people started getting off, I couldnít move. I just kept looking at him and he kept looking at me. Finally, David said, ďLetís go, Toby.Ē

            I was shaking so badly when I walked up the aisle and I could barely walk down the step. Dad came over to the door and we both looked at each other, tears in our eyes. And, thenÖ I donít remember much. I know we were hugging and we were both crying. I donít know how long we stood there crying and hugging, but after a while, we stopped. I introduced him to David and they hugged and cried for a while. He looked at me as he hugged David and said, ďYouíve turned into such a handsome young man.Ē Neither Mom or Bastard ever said anything like that to me. All they ever did was ridicule me for being ďfat,Ē even though Iím not.

            Dad had been reading my blog. He said he was going through the list of blogs on Blogio and saw the title of mine and knew, he said he just knew it was me. And, then he wrote to me, but he was afraid that I would figure out who he was. So, he cancelled his account. And, then Tuesday night, something told him to check it. He said he didnít know why, but he knew something was wrong and he had to check it. He read everything and he called Mom and told her that I was on a bus to Burlington. She assumed that and he asked her why in the hell she didnít call him and tell him and what if something happened to us andÖ Anyway, he was furious with her and she was.. well, Mom, kind of ditsy and not all there and defensive and everything. Anyway, he thought of going down to New York but was afraid he would miss us. So he came here and waited.

            We drove to his house. Itís a neat little place. And, he showed me my room. My room. He said I am going to live with him and that he will never let me go back to them and that if they want to go to the authorities and make all sorts of wild claims, they can. He doesnít care anymore. He begged me to forgive him for leaving, but he hadnít wanted me to go through what would happen if he stayed and fought them. He thought it wouldnít be as bad for me if he just left. I understand.

            My room. Itís where he does his writing. Yes, his writing. Dadís an author! His dream has come true! He has written a book and itís been published! Itís  under his pseudonym, Jeffrey Spencer. Itís about growing up gay in the south and falling in love with another boy and getting exposed and how the they almost commit suicide but they run away and live happily ever after.  Itís not a best seller, but it sold enough that he can rent this house and not work and spend his time writing his new book.

            Iím going to go to school here in Burlington. Iím going to live with my Dad. Heís called Mom and she agreed. Bastard hates me and says good riddance. I wish I could do something to make him go to jail, but heís a good father to the Vermin and it wouldnít be fair to them.

            Weíre going to drive back and take David home and while weíre there, we will pick up OUR books and the rest of my things. Weíll ship what we canít put in the car.

            David has been such a good friend. I will miss him. I love him and he will always be in my heart. In know Iím not the one for him, but he will always be in my heart. I told him he should try to play football for UVM!

            Anyway, thatís it. Dad and David are great friends. Dad and I are back together. Vermont is the most wonderful place on earth. And, I am happy. I know there are going to be problems and challenges in my life, but I have my Dad, my wonderful father, to help me face them. I have a wonderful friend. I have a wonderful home. I have a wonderful life.

            So, I guess thatís my blog for today. Weíll have to see what tomorrow brings. And, for the first time in years, Iím not afraid of tomorrow!



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