of the Wicked Boys
“I don’t have to eat fried food anymore!”
Jeremy grinned as Claretta smiled and set two plates of primavera on the table before the boys.
“I love Aunt Jane,” he added, “and I’m grateful she loves me, but I could just feel my muscles turning to fat every time I ate fried chicken or pork chops or flank steak.”
“Claretta’s an expert on healthy food for dancers,” Rafael commented with a wink to the housekeeper. “Aren’t you, Claretta?”
“I sure am!” she replied. “God gave Rafael a gift and he gave you a gift, too, Jeremy, and I’m sure gonna do my best to make sure you two don’t squander it on unhealthy food. As long as you’re staying in this house, the two of you gonna eat good, healthy dancer food!”
“It’s delicious,” Jeremy replied with his mouth full. “It’s so wonderful to eat the right food again! Thank you, Claretta. You cook just as good at Delores did.”
“Well, that’s a compliment. I know Delores. Yes, I do, and I know she a good cook!”
“You know her?” Jeremy asked excitedly. “How is she?”
“She doing fine. She got herself another family here in Hampton Park, the Badgers over on Avon Way. But, I told her ‘bout you and everything happening and she started cryin’ on the phone. She told me to tell her ‘Jermy’ she been prayin’ for you and she misses you and she loves you!”
Jeremy smiled with gratitude and love and looked at Rafael as he exclaimed, “I have to go see her before we go. I have to see Delores. She’s the sweetest woman. She really is. She took such good care of me when I was little.”
Rafael nodded and said, “We will. Do you want to see Brian, too?”
Jeremy’s face clouded and he replied, “Does he want to see me?”
“Well, you know I saw him Tuesday. He misses you. He loves you.”
“Yeah, right. He hates me. He thinks... well, it doesn’t matter. I’d love to see him again, but I don’t think he really wants to see me.”
Rafael reached over and put a hand on Jeremy’s arm as he said, “Brian loves you. He told me. And, he’s concerned for you. He wanted me to find some way to get you out of there. He was serious.”
“Then why didn’t he quit drinking and come get me?” Jeremy asked bitterly.
Rafael sighed heavily and replied, “We all react to pain differently. When I feel like shit, I dance and I feel better. I bet you do, too. Well, some people don’t have something as wonderful as dancing. All they have is liquor or pot or something worse, and your parents’ deaths seem to have hit Brian really hard.”
“Yeah, I guess it probably did. I didn’t have anything to turn to. I couldn’t dance and... well, there wasn’t really anything for me to do to make the pain go away.”
Rafael placed his hand on the side of Jeremy’s face for a moment, but then quickly removed it as he became embarrassed by such a tender and intimate act. He returned his attention to his dinner.
“I should check on Benji and Aunt Jane after dinner,” Jeremy muttered, “before we start dancing. I’m so worried about them. I feel so guilty getting what I wanted while they’re so miserable.”
Rafael said nothing. He nodded, but seemed to pay more attention to his dinner. After a long moment of silence while the two ate, Jeremy suddenly looked around and, not seeing Claretta, he turned to Rafael and asked, “Can I ask you a question, a serious, maybe embarrassing question?”
Rafael looked up and smiled as he nodded and replied, “Sure. Anything.”
Jeremy was blushing and he looked down at his pasta as he mumbled, “You said you might have done different things with Uncle Jimmy to get him to let me go. Would you really have had sex with him?”
Rafael inhaled and then replied, “If that was what I had to do to get him to let you come with me and resume your training, then... yes. I would have.”
Jeremy looked down at his plate and replied, “Wow.”
“You don’t... like think I’m sick or anything, do you?”
“Oh, no!” Jeremy replied. “I know stuff like this happens in ballet. It’s never happened to me, but I know and I... appreciate that you would be willing to do something like that for me. That’s so... thanks. I’m glad you didn’t have to.”
“Well, it was stupid of me. I didn’t think it through. I mean, if could have been me that called the police and got Jimmy Dale arrested and then it would be my fault for Jane and Benji going through this.”
“No!” Jeremy replied fiercely. “It wouldn’t be your fault. You didn’t make Uncle Jimmy get naked in the bushes. That wasn’t your fault.”
Rafael shrugged with shame and replied, “Yeah, I know. But, I still feel... the whole thing could have been a lot worse than it was.”
“I know, but it wasn’t,” Jeremy answered, “so you should be happy.”
Rafael smiled and softly said, “Thanks.”
Jeremy nodded and the two continued to eat. After a moment, however, Jeremy started to ask, “Rafael, have you ever...”
He stopped and Rafael asked, “Have I ever what?”
Jeremy shook his head and said, “Never mind.”
“No, what?” Rafael persisted.
“It’s nothing,” Jeremy responded firmly.
Rafael realized he didn’t want to talk about it. He nodded and returned to his dinner before Jeremy began asking questions about Ballet Academy and his life in New York. Soon, they were finished and as they carried their dishes into the kitchen, over the fierce objections of Claretta, who declared it was her job and who playfully popped them on the butts with a dish towel, Rafael’s mother appeared.
At first, she glared disapprovingly, but when Rafael and Jeremy both blushed with embarrassment, she forced a smile and finally chuckled, leading the boys to relax.
“I’m going out to dinner with friends, so if the two of you are going to be downstairs practicing all evening, you probably won’t see me again until the morning. So, have fun.”
“Thanks, Mom,” Rafael replied. “Um, did you want to have that talk?”
She frowned and said, “No time. Maybe, tomorrow.”
Rafael nodded and she hurried out. He smiled and Jeremy said, “Your mom is really nice.”
“Yeah, that’s what scares me. Listen, you wanted to call your Aunt Jane. Go ahead and I’ll go down and change. So, you want to just wear the shorts and t-shirt, or you want to go all the way?”
He said the last part with a humorous leer Jeremy grinned as he said, “Well, it’s been so long that... I mean... well...”
“Are you embarrassed about something?” Rafael asked.
“Well, I don’t want you to think I’m a sissy or anything...”
Rafael almost flinched with surprise as he replied, “Me? Think you’re a sissy? Jeremy, I’m a dancer! Hell, I’m the one who got you into dancing, according to Madame Pulchova.”
“All right then. None of this ‘I’m afraid you’ll think I’m a sissy’ shit. Now what is it?”
Jeremy nodded and said, “It’s been so long. I want to wear the leotard and tights.”
Rafael grinned and nodded.
“I know exactly what you mean. It’ll be great to have them on again, won’t it?”
Jeremy nodded and grinned.
“All right. You call them and then come on down.”
Jeremy nodded and Rafael turned and headed for the stairs on the other side of the kitchen. He felt a strange elation, all the more curious because of the intense self-loathing and horror he had felt earlier. As he descended the stairs, he wondered if it was just a reaction to his earlier feelings or if it was because he was about to dance with the boy he had sought to rescue, the boy he had inspired to dance, the boy he... loved?
Get a grip on reality, he told himself. People do not fall in love instantly. It takes time. They get to know each other. They talk, they have fun, they do things together. Love grows until they realize that is what they’re feeling. It’s not instantaneous.
He opened the door to the dance studio and flipped the light switches. As the room exploded into brightness, however, he remained standing in the doorway as he countered his argument. It wasn’t instantaneous. He had first met Jeremy almost five years before. But, he has only seven then. Besides, Rafael hadn’t seen him, hadn’t even thought of him since that night until he had come home Monday night. It was now Thursday night. Three days. Worse—he hadn’t met Jeremy again until yesterday morning! One day! One day. One did not fall in love in one day.
And, Rafael Colon did not fall in love, period.
He had placed Jeremy’s new dance things on the table by the stereo. His own were in the small dresser beside the bed. This would be where Jeremy slept until they were ready to leave for New York. He walked over the dresser and bed and began to remove his clothes.
He was fully erect.
He cursed himself as he pulled his dance belt on. The last thing he wanted Jeremy to see was his hero with a boner, especially the first time they were to dance together. But, there was something about Jeremy. He was cute and vulnerable and sensitive, and yet he was strong and determined and... He reminded Rafael of the men with whom he had slept. Powerful and assertive dancers. He didn’t like the more effeminate dancers, the ones like Nureyev; he preferred the more masculine and powerful dancers. Somehow, he had the impression that, despite his frequent tears yesterday and today, Jeremy was more a twelve year-old version of one of them, the powerful dancers. But, Rafael was older, more experienced. He was going to be in charge. Yes. He was the man. But... Jeremy seemed...
Upstairs, Jeremy sadly set the receiver back in the cradle of the wall phone. He looked down at the counter and felt the urge to cry. Aunt Jane’s friend had answered the phone. Jane hadn’t been able to speak to him. She was still sedated and in bed. Benji had refused to speak to him. Jimmy Dale was still in jail. The church was meeting that evening to decide his fate.
It was clear to Jeremy that Benji blamed him for what had happened. As he had said that morning, everything in their home and their life had been just fine before Jeremy had come to live with them. Jeremy knew that wasn’t true. He knew that Jimmy Dale’s illegal behavior at the park was not the result of Jeremy living with them and had probably been going on long before the boy came to live with them. Jimmy Dale was a sick, mean, violent, opinionated bastard and had been so long before Jeremy had entered the picture, but Jeremy could understand why Benji, the poor kid, would blame Jeremy. He understood, though it still hurt.
He sighed. This was not the moment, however, to dwell on that. He had to focus, as Madame Pulchova was fond of saying—focus, focus, focus! He was about to dance, to truly dance, for the first time in two and a half months—and he was going to dance with his idol, his hero, for the first time ever, in fulfillment of a dream that had begun that cold December night nearly five years earlier. He, Jeremy Fenwick, was about to dance with the great Rafael Colon.
He felt his heart quicken. He was sorry that Benji and Aunt Jane were in such pain, but there was nothing he could do about it at that moment. He had a responsibility now to focus.
If only he didn’t let his perverted feelings get in the way. If only he didn’t let Rafael know that he worshiped the very ground he walked on, that he felt Rafael was the most beautiful person in the world, that he dreamed of going to bed with Rafael, of making love with Rafael, of kissing, hugging, loving Rafael.
He was hard again and his hands were trembling as heard the door on the other side of the kitchen open. He looked up to see Rafael appear. Jeremy’s eyes grew wide and his lips parted as the young man—wearing leotard, tights, and dance shoes, approached, walked around counter and stood before him. He couldn’t believe that Rafael Colon was standing before him in this way, so beautiful, so...
“Are you ready?” Rafael asked in his soft voice.
“Um, yeah,” Jeremy replied, feeling stupid and yet, unable to think of anything else to say.
“How are Jane and Benji doing?” Rafael asked with a look of worry.
Jeremy turned away and replied, “I talked to Mrs. Conway, Aunt Jane’s friend, and she said that Aunt Jane was still in bed and Benji didn’t want to talk to me.”
Rafael approached him and put a gentle hand on his shoulder as he said, “It’s not your fault, Jeremy.”
“I know, but I still feel bad for them.”
Rafael nodded and said, “Why don’t you go downstairs now and get ready. I put your things on the table. I’m going to call my Uncle Teddy and update him on what’s going on.”
Jeremy nodded, unable to control his eyes as they devoured Rafael’s body. The teenager smiled as the younger boy was finally able to drag himself through the kitchen and to the basement. Rafael grinned and wiggled his fingers in a farewell salute as Jeremy took a last look before disappearing down the stairs. He was certain that Jeremy wasn’t really gay, merely overwhelmed with how Rafael looked in his tights.
Jeremy, however, was overwhelmed. Oh, my God, he thought to himself over and over as he descended the stairs. How was he going to be able to dance in front of Rafael if the older boy looked like that? How was he going to be able to avoid making a fool of himself in front of Rafael?
He had no idea what to do as he reached the bottom of the stairs and opened the door to the left. What awaited him astonished the boy. He was not at all expecting to find such a huge dance floor, a mirrored wall, a long two-tiered barre, a stereo, a piano, a refrigerator, a bed, and a bathroom with shower. He stood in awe as he looked around before he finally walked over to the table where his dance things were waiting. This truly was heaven.
Slowly, he undressed, his hands still shaking as he looked around, until he stood naked and erect beside the table. He looked at himself in the mirror and felt a rush of excitement. He had seldom had the opportunity to look at himself completely when he was naked and the sight, he had to admit, was beautiful, even if he did have red hair and freckles. He had a great body, and his hiatus from his usual rigorous workouts, or the fact he hadn’t danced in two and a half months hadn’t had too deleterious an effect on that.). Powerful legs, strong arms, a sturdy torso, even his penis was beautiful. Perhaps Rafael would think so, but probably not. What was he going to do about his boner, though? Dancers got boners; he knew that, and he and Tim had gotten them a lot, but... this was different. This was Rafael Colon, his idol, one of the best teenager dancers in the country, if not in the world. He had won competitions. He was good. His face blushing fiercely, Jeremy picked up his dance belt and pulled it on. He would just have to tough it out and hope for the best.
Meanwhile, upstairs, Rafael was sitting on a stool at the counter and rolling his eyes as Teddy answered the phone, “The Land of Milk and Honey, Moses speaking.”
“Teddy, one of these days, someone real is going to call you, like your agent, or the New York Times, or... the FBI.”
“Rafi, darling, as Auntie Mame used to say, ‘Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!’ Besides, my agent does nothing but screw me, though sometimes we do have sex. The Times knows not to call me after that last review, and the FBI doesn’t need to call me, they’re listening in anyway. Kiss, kiss, J. Edgar!”
“Whatever. So, I thought I’d let you know what’s going on,” Rafael responded.
“You’re mother spoke with me this morning and we had a very, very serious tete a tete.”
“Yeah, I thought something was different with her.”
“Have you noticed a difference?”
“Well, yeah. For one thing, she’s not breathing fire and spitting venom all over the place anymore. What did you say to her?”
“The truth, dear.”
“Oh, God. Don’t you know never to do that?”
He heard a chuckle over the line before Teddy replied, “Rafi, darling, Gloria and I understand each other. My big sister has always listened to me in moments of crisis because I am the only person who knows her inside and out.”
“Well, she went out and spent four hundred dollars on clothes for Jeremy and she’s offering to help Jane and Benji McCoy when they have to leave the house the church owns. By the way, Jimmy Dale’s still in jail.”
“I have some musician friends who could write a song about that. Jimmy Dale is still in jail; he hit the nail, now he knows he will fail...”
“You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you?”
“I have to keep my blood/alcohol level at a certain point or my body goes into shock. Now, Rafi, I need to know if I must fly down to Perdition and sign any documents or declarations or defamations or...”
“I don’t know,” Rafael replied. “But, I think I might have to wait to fly back. I think Sunday may be too soon.”
“Probably. I’ll call that degenerate attorney in the morning and see what he says. Now, Rafi, I need to know something. Are you still blaming yourself for what happened?”
“Not really” the boy replied. “I just feel stupid.”
“Good. You should, but you should be proud of yourself for having the courage to try something that dangerous and absolutely insane for a friend.”
“Anytime, dear. By the way, have you committed any abominations with Oliver Twist yet, and if not, why haven’t you?”
“For God’s sake, Teddy, give me some time! I’ve only known the poor kid for thirty-six hours, if that long! I’m going downstairs to work out with him when you and I are finished.”
“Is that what you boys call it now? Working out? In my day...”
“In your day, you sniffed snuff from bejeweled boxes and danced the minuet. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“What will you call me?”
“Hugs and kisses.”
Rafael chuckled as he hung up the phone. Yeah, that first meeting between Jeremy and Teddy was going to be interesting.
Meanwhile, Jeremy had finished pulling on his leotard and tights. He thought he was almost going to have an orgasm as he stood before the mirror, wearing his dance wear for the first time since the middle of May. Once again, he wanted to cry, this time from happiness. He was finally, once again, a dancer! He strode out across the dance floor, raised his arms, did a few kicks and spins and laughed with joy. He was back. He was Jeremy Fenwick the dancer, once again.
Eager to start—and wanting to hide his still rampant erection from Rafael—he sat down near the bar, carefully began his stretches, and hoped that his exertions and focus would help eliminate any bothersome and irritation swellings or inflations that might embarrass or distract.
When Rafael entered the studio, he grinned as he saw Jeremy stretching on the floor. The younger boy looked up and glowed with joy as Rafael approached.
“How does it feel?” he asked as crossed the floor.
“Fantastic!” Jeremy replied. “I’ve died and gone to heaven!”
“I know how you feel,” Rafael replied as he sat down beside him.
“No, you don’t,” Jeremy stated. “You can’t even imagine what it was like and what I’m feeling now.”
Rafael bit his lip and reached over to run his fingers through Jeremy’s hair. He felt such a rush of feeling and emotion for the boy at that moment that he feared he would do something silly. Rather than embarrass himself, he looked away and began his own stretches.
“We’re not going to push you too much this first time,” he commented as he focused on his own exercises. “We don’t want to injure you.”
“Yeah, I know,” Jeremy replied. “I’ve got to watch myself. I want to do everything this evening and I know I can’t.”
“We’ll just have some fun,” Rafael said.
Jeremy grinned and replied, “Cool.”
The boys went through their stretches and warm up before starting their barre and then moving on to center. Jeremy felt alive as he went through all the moves, insisting on getting them right before moving on.
“You’re really don’t look out of practice, at all,” Rafael remarked as they took a break. “It’s amazing. I wouldn’t know you had been out of the studio for almost three months.”
“I can feel it,” Jeremy replied. “I tried to do what I could in the bedroom, in the garage, in the back yard, when no one was around and nobody knew. Jimmy Dale caught me Tuesday afternoon just before dinner and slapped me real hard.”
“Bastard,” Rafael declared with true hatred in his voice. “He deserves whatever he gets.”
Jeremy nodded as he looked away from Rafael and replied, “I just worry about Jane and Benji.”
“Don’t. They’re going to be fine. We’ll help them. I just hope Jane divorces the bastard.”
“She won’t,” Jeremy replied looking at the floor. “She gave a vow and she’ll stick to it.”
Rafael sighed and shook his head.
“We shouldn’t ruin the evening talking about Jimmy Dale, though. Let’s focus on this.”
Jeremy smiled and nodded, though he still didn’t look at Rafael. The teenager deliberately walked in front of him and then bent down to smile in his face.
“You know, Jeremy, you can look at me. It won’t ruin your dancing if you do.”
Jeremy blushed and looked away, muttering, “Sorry. It’s just... you’re Rafael Colon. Everyone at Greensburg Ballet School worships you. Man, you’re like Pete Maravich, Bart Starr, and Mickey Mantle all rolled into one. You made it, Rafael. You’re doing what we all dream of. You’re at Ballet Academy of America. You’ve gotten to dance with Ballet of America! You’re it, Rafael! You’re it. And, here I am, dancing with you.”
Rafael sighed and said, “I know how you all feel about me. I didn’t realize until I talked to Madame and to your brother Tuesday. I never knew the students at GBS thought of me that way, but Jeremy, don’t think of me like that. I’m just like you. Three years ago, I was you. I’m just a person and I have the same emotions as you, the same thoughts and fears as you, the same bowel movements as you...”
Jeremy giggled and Rafael grinned before he added, “And, you don’t have to keep covering up your boner.”
Jeremy turned scarlet and Rafael leaned over and kissed his forehead. “I’ve got one, too, Jeremy. It happens. We’re dancers. We get hard. We work through it. Didn’t you and Tim ever get hard when you danced or went to the showers?”
Jeremy shrugged with embarrassment and replied, “Well, yeah. But... you’re Rafael...”
“Enough with that Rafael Colon bullshit. I’m just Rafi. Okay? Besides, Madame was serious as a heart attack when she told me that you’re better than I was at twelve. So, cut the idol worship crap. Okay? You and I are equals and we’re going to work together and get you into Ballet Academy. Okay?”
Jeremy silently nodded. Rafael looked into his eyes and almost leaned down to kiss him on the lips. He took a deep breath before he could, however, and turned away, declaring, “Well, let’s get back to work.”
“Yeah!” Jeremy replied enthusiastically.
They worked for another couple of hours, pausing for water and to munch on orange slices, until Rafael declared, “Well, have you had enough?”
“Never!” Jeremy replied. “Come on, you aren’t wimping out on me, are you?”
“Oh, man, don’t you even think about challenging me! I can dance your ass off anytime!”
“Bring it on, Big Man!” Jeremy taunted with a grin.
Rafael walked over to the stereo and pulled a record album out of the shelf. He showed it to Jeremy, who cried out, “West Side Story! I love it! Greensburg Community Theater did it last summer and I used to go watch the rehearsals.”
As he pulled the album from the dust jacket, Rafael asked, “I suppose you’ve taken jazz and tap?”
“Of course,” Jeremy replied with a grin. “I can dance to anything!”
“Oh, yeah?” Rafael asked as he put the record on the turntable. He set it to “Cool” and as he turned, he said, “You sound pretty cocky, boy. Maybe you should be cool, boy!”
Jeremy grinned and started snapping his fingers as the music started and the two began to prance around each other, chanting the lyrics as they grinned.
“Boy, boy, crazy boy; Get cool, boy!”
As they chanted, “Got a rocket in your pocket,” they both simultaneously pointed to each other crotches and laughed.
Rafael was following Jerome Robbins’ choreography more closely than Jeremy, who was improvising more, but it was working and the two were having a blast, dancing around each other.
“Take it slow and Daddy-o, you can live it up and die in bed!”
Rafael could see the joy in Jeremy’s eyes as they pranced and danced about the floor and he knew Jeremy was in heaven choreographing his own moves as they progressed and sang along to Sondheim’s lyrics.
“Boy, boy, crazy boy; Stay loose, boy! Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it, Turn off the juice, boy!”
Jeremy was in front of Rafael, just a couple of feet away. He wasn’t anticipating Rafael moving to Jeremy’s left, just as Jeremy stepped to his left. Their feet became entangled and, though he could have recovered, Rafael let himself fall atop Jeremy as the younger boy lost his balance and fell to the floor. Actually, they both could easily have recovered, but they were having too much fun. Both had grown hard again as they danced and Rafael found himself lying atop Jeremy, their faces just inches apart, their bodies covered with sweat from several hours of dancing, their erections pressing through their dance belts and tights and against each other. Both were breathing hard as their eyes met, Rafael’s deep brown eyes, Jeremy’s blue-gray, and suddenly Rafael leaned down and kissed Jeremy on the lips.
It was a soft kiss, at first, their lips barely touching, but then Rafael pressed harder. Jeremy didn’t know how to react. He wasn’t expecting Rafael to kiss him and he was so afraid of revealing his feelings to Rafael that he didn’t react. He didn’t kiss back. Rafael, not feeling the kiss reciprocated, pulled away and looked down at Jeremy with fear and embarrassment.
“Oh, man,” he muttered as he quickly rolled off the younger boy. “That was pretty weird. Sorry, man. I, um, I, I don’t know what came over me. Sorry.”
Jeremy looked at Rafael with surprise and was about to say, “That’s okay. I liked it,” but before he could, Rafael was already on his feet and walking over to the stereo and saying, “Well, I think that’s about all the damage we can do tonight. We don’t want to push you too hard. We should probably get some sleep tonight.”
As he put the record away, he kept his back to Jeremy and added, “We’re going to get up early and start again. You can sleep down here. Claretta’s put new sheets on the bed and new towels in the bathroom, and you’re welcome to come up to the kitchen for anything.”
He turned around and found Jeremy standing in the center of the floor, clutching his hands and looking smaller than he normally did.
“Okay,” he replied softly. “Thank you. I... appreciate your hospitality and your generosity, Rafael.”
“Um, yeah,” the teenager replied uncomfortably. “So, um, I guess I’ll see you in the morning.”
Rafael hurried from the room and almost ran up the stairs. The lights in the house were off; he wasn’t sure if his mother had come home yet or was still out. He was just grateful that he didn’t have to run into her.
He took a shower and then walked back to his room in only a robe. He turned his radio on softly to the jazz program on the university station, and lay atop his bed, staring at the ceiling and, once again, felt overwhelmed with shame.
What was he thinking? The kid obviously felt uncomfortable with him kissing him. Jeremy would undoubtedly feel that sex was a prerequisite for him staying with Rafael, which was the furthest thing from Rafael’s mind. Jeremy had been through so much over the last three months and the last thing he needed was a pervert like Rafael, pulling the same shit on him that Stephen had pulled on Rafael. How could he have been so thoughtless? Yes, he had joked with Teddy about it, but Rafael knew he couldn’t do anything with Jeremy. He knew it. God, he was such a pervert!
He closed his eyes in self-loathing and placed his arm over his eyes as he lay on his back, overwhelmed with contempt for himself. How was this going to work? How was he ever going to be able help Jeremy achieve his potential, his dreams if he was simply going to be another Stephen Hampton and use Jeremy?
Downstairs, Jeremy stood in the center of the floor for several minutes after Rafael left the room. He stared at the door through which Rafael had passed and then let his eyes float slowly to his right and to the mirrored wall. He looked at himself and felt sick.
He had prompted Rafael to kiss him. Somehow, he had shown Rafael how much he was attracted him and Rafael must have gotten the impression Jeremy wanted Rafael to kiss him. Then, he had realized what he had done and had to leave. God, Jeremy thought to himself, he was such a pervert! He was disgusting. Rafael was so good and generous and he was trying to be so nice to Jeremy and Jeremy had to reveal his perversion to him. Yes, dancing boys got boners, but Jeremy had overdone it. Somehow, he would have to work at being strictly professional with Rafael. Yes, they could be friends, but Jeremy must not, could not, would not transmit his feelings for Rafael to him. He had to be careful. Rafael was obviously straight and obviously a professional. Jeremy had to be just as straight and just as professional.
Slowly, he walked over to the bed and removed his tights and leotard. Pulling his dance belt off, he looked at his penis, now shrunken from anxiety and worry. Yes, he was going to have to struggle to maintain his purity and professionalism. He must be just like Rafael. He must be pure and professional. He had to be.
He had to be.