ddunder@adam.com.au

The April Fool’s Baby Blog

By DesDownUnder ©2007

Disclaimer: If you find descriptions about preoccupation of same-sex sexual concerns by prenatal foetuses offensive you may prefer to not read further. On the otherhand if you have a mature sense of humour you may just enjoy being offended by the following fictional story. Any likeness to any living or yet to be born person is purely coincidental. You will be relieved to know this story is not an autobiography.

I guess I should start by telling you about me. I don’t know very much yet. You see I am still in my mom’s womb. I have been here about seven and a half months. It has been a really good gestation for me though. I have really enjoyed it so far.

I have been examining my genetic code and discovered a couple of interesting things that will make me the man that everyone wants. I guess that sounds a bit immodest doesn’t it? But hey, I don’t have any acquired manners yet. I can only tell you about what I have found. I think I may a bit narcissistic at this stage of my life.

Firstly I am human. At least that is what the genes indicate.

Secondly I am male, a boy and just itchin’ to get twitchin’ if you understand me. I will have light brown hair on my head when I am born with a really cute upturned nose. My eyes aren’t quite working right yet so I don’t know what color they are going to be, but I’m hoping for blue. Anyway it is really quite dark in here and there aren’t any mirrors either, so I doubt I could tell. This place really needs to be redecorated.

As you can see I have been using my mom’s laptop and learned to type. Actually I am getting her to type this but she doesn’t know it, because I can only take over her body when she is asleep. She would freak if she knew how advanced I was for my age and what I was doing. She complains she is tired all the time as if it was my fault.

I think I must have reached puberty early because I felt my dad trying to get in here a couple of times a few months ago and I realised then that I was gay.

 Now most babies suck their thumb in the womb, but I gave that up very quickly when I realised that I have what feels like a 10” dick. Much more fun. It’s a bit cramped for room in here. Mom thinks I am kicking her but I am sure you can guess I am up to other things now that my hands have developed a bit more. I wish she had conceived twins, then I could have played with my brother. Oh well I will just have to wait. I am sure I will meet someone nice on the outside even if it takes a few years.

*

Today, I worked out how to use the laptop to connect to the Internet thingy. I love the internet. I already have a date with another baby I met in a chatroom. He sounds really nice. He managed to send me his ultrasound images and I have to say from what I could see through my mom’s eyes he is going to be a real stunner. I can hardly wait. Unfortunately I can’t stay on the Internet for very long as forcing my mom’s eyes open while she sleeps is very draining on both of us. She gets headaches if I do it for too long. I will be glad when I can move out of life support and live separately from my mom.  

*

Hi, it’s me again, I don’t have a name yet. You should hear some of the names that Mom and Dad are considering. I gave Mom an almighty kick when she suggested Egbert. It’s not like I am some sort of nerd just because I can type and surf the net before I am born is it? I am very fond of pizza though and give Mom the craving for it all the time.

*

I could see a light at the end of a tunnel earlier this morning and thought I might be going to die before I am born, but it was only the doctor examining Mom with a flashlight I think. I couldn’t help but notice that everything in here is very pink. I love that color.

Ever anxious to be free and out on my own I found an internet site on premature births and quickly discovered that really only a few days early were safe if I wanted to avoid being in a humid crib, which was something I definitely did not want. So I have triggered Mom’s appropriate hormone thingies for an early Sunday morning birth.

*

It’s Saturday and I am not happy. What is it with adults? Mom has drunk so much coffee I can’t get to sleep. I have a big day tomorrow. At least she isn’t getting drunk like Dad. Aunt Shirley, my mom’s sister has arrived to look after her because Dad has passed out. Aunt Shirley has her baby with her. He was born three weeks ago and is he ever cute? I hope they let us sleep together after I am born.  I could use some male company after being in here for nine months.

At 10 AM I was awoken by a loud noise. Mom was shouting something about her water having broken and I felt like the bathtub was draining. My skin felt all wrinkly. At least it wasn’t from old age.

 Now I can tell you that I am no fan of fast cars and we had a really fast drive to the hospital. I was being bounced around all over the womb. They should put seat belts in these things. When we got to the hospital we went to the delivery room on the second floor. The elevator was so fast I thought Mom was going to have the fastest delivery on record right there in the lift. My stomach felt like it was in her mouth.

Mom was panting and breathing heavily I hoped she would survive long enough for me to be born. I didn’t want to have a Caesarean birth. What if the doctor slipped with the scalpel? They lifted Mom onto a delivery chair and told her to breathe in and hold, breathe out and hold. I was holding too, but not my breath.

Finally things calmed down and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel again. This time of course I knew that it was the light from outside. I was being born. Soon I would be in a baby’s cot. Independence would be mine at last.

I was soon evicted from the womb. Good, I wasn’t ever going to try to get back in there. However, I knew I would always love my mom.

I found myself upside down being smacked on my cute little bubble butt. I am going to be so very popular. The spanking thing though was not all that much to my liking. I howled and cried as loud as I could. The doctor however was quite cute for an older man. Then I saw the young male nurse and was immediately in lust. I tried winking at him but my eyelid coordination had not developed yet so I just blinked. Then I fell asleep. Some lover I turned out to be.

Following all this came the most horrific moment of my young life. They gave me to my mom who pressed me hard up against her breasts. She expected me to drink out of those things. Where’s my dad?

Of course I got hungry and relented. I told myself it was only till I could take solid, hot, hard food.

A few minutes later there were all these people in the room. I could tell they were relatives, standing around making “goo-goo” noises at me. Good Lord, Have I been born into a family of rejected retards. Help?

At last the cute male nurse put me in this cot. I didn’t want to let go of him, but he was stronger than me. He must work out a lot; he has really strong arm muscles.

The baby cot I am in is right next to Mom’s laptop, so I can type this up for you all to read. I am sending it to a net site called AwesomeDude as I am hoping one of those cute guys will adopt me if anything should happen to my parents. I am losing the residual womb powers that enable me to type this and very soon I will be just a normal baby who has to cope and learn life’s lessons. I will be on line again as soon as I can, but it might take a few years.

So if you can read this on your own then you are too friggin’ old for me.

Oh, and one more thing if you believe any of this, APRIL FOOL!

Illustration:  Leonardo da Vinci